Scientists at a Fox News lab known as the “weasel works” were giving each other high fives yesterday on receiving decisive confirmation that they had created a new life form. After years of research involving genetic recombination of primitive cellular memes, a research team successfully created the laboratory conditions for the emergence of life. In doing so, Research Group Alpha beat out several other teams in a race to the bottom of the gene pool. “We knew that the breakthrough would come to whoever could isolate the most simple forms of cellular response,” lab director Gene Shelley remarked, “and that has been the Fox News objective from day one.”
Shelley emphasized that the new species was fully formed. “Since evolution wasn’t involved, the designers are confident that the species will continue to exhibit its initial characteristics in perpetuity.” Those characteristics are admittedly not found at the high end of the food chain, but they are likely to have considerable survival value. The creature remains suspended in a state of continuous consumption, moves in whatever direction it is manipulated, bonds exclusively with its information source, and never risks cooperative behavior.
Fox News was quick to point out the implications of this scientific breakthrough. “We know that this isn’t the first case of successful biological invention,” PR director Mary Shelley remarked, “but it is the first one that has obvious political significance. Our lab has finally produced what the network only dreams of: the perfect citizen.”
Photograph by Rolf Vennenbernd/DPA/ZUMAPRESS.com.